My Sobriety Story with Marina

“Life became so much larger and more colorful in sobriety.”

This series showcases personal stories of addiction recovery and sobriety. Today’s edition is by Marina, aka Messy Recovery. Marina holds a BA in Psychology and MA in Speech and Communications. She is a lifelong student of yoga and Tibetan Buddhism, a certified Mindfulness-Based Addiction Recovery teacher and facilitator, and a Jungian Coach. Marina also writes Messy Recovery by Maki, a weekly newsletter about her personal journey through recovery and all the things in life that make our human experience both magical and painful.

When and how did you get sober?

My first sobriety date is September 5, 2014. I flew back to Los Angeles (where I lived at the time) from Serbia (where I was visiting my family) on September 4th. Still buzzed from drinking on the plane, my boss picked me up from LAX and we drove straight to Manhattan Beach to a business dinner meeting. I drank some more and came back home late that night in a semi-blackout — due not only to drinking, but also being jet lagged. The next day, I went to my second AA meeting and stayed clean and sober until December 2016.

My first AA meeting was just before that same trip to Serbia, when — completely desperate, overpowered, and beat up by life and my patterns — I told my boss that I needed help and that I had decided to finally go to that strange cabin-looking house in the middle of the most expensive part of Los Angeles (Log Cabin, for those of you who got sober in LA), where a bunch of weird-looking people stand outside and smoke cigarettes compulsively. This was right after our sleepless work weekend in Anaheim, where I made out with a potential business partner (not my first time) behind the cardboard walls of our conference booth.

When I told him how miserable I was, my boss sent me home from work with his copy of the Big Book and said that tomorrow we’d go for lunch with someone he thought I should meet. The next day, we went to Cecconi’s — our favorite lunch spot (and spot for breakfast and happy hour and dinner and business meetings) in the neighborhood, and a woman was waiting for us.

She was beautiful — like a celebrity kind of beautiful. She was also about ten years sober at the time and ran a sober living house for women. She invited me to join a women’s 12-Step meeting at the house, so I went. It was weird and strange and very uncomfortable. I did not feel like I belonged, and I could not admit that my life had been as fucked up as those women’s lives. I did not want to be there but, at the same time, knew I needed to be there.

A few days after that meeting, I flew to Serbia. I knew that I would not even attempt to be sober while there, and I wasn’t. I probably drank and used even more than usual, knowing that after that trip I wouldn’t be drinking for some time. What I didn’t know then is that this decision would dramatically change my life, and that I would want to stay sober for the rest of my life.

In December 2016, after being sober for a little over two years, I decided to take a break from sobriety. No, I didn’t relapse; I consciously decided to take a break as I was doing much better.

Soon after my first drink, I woke up in my bed not knowing how I got home the previous night. Soon after that, I was waking up in someone else’s bed without knowing how I got there or what happened the previous night. Soon after that, I was drinking during the day, smoking pot, and driving drunk.

This pattern continued for a few more months. Then, on April 9, 2017, I went to a Refuge Recovery meeting and never looked back. I have been clean and sober since.

What surprised you about getting sober?

What surprised me most — and right away — was how great I felt without booze and drugs! I slept better, I was able to focus and concentrate, I had more energy, my digestion was great, my skin was glowing, I was able to work… Overall, life was amazing!

For the first three or four months I was on a pink cloud. Then, I had a meltdown. And a second one… And another one soon after… This also surprised me. In my mind, it was supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies from now on. Somewhere I forgot that life can be brutal, that pain is inevitable, and that absolutely everyone is struggling at times — sober or not.

Slowly, I started to get to know myself better — my real self, not my disconnected self or persona, who wears a mask and hides behind the substances when she is in pain. The real self, who all of a sudden felt her feelings even more than usual. The highly sensitive self, who is often anxious and depressed. That woman who has almost no boundaries and no safety container. That woman who is nowhere as direct, authentic, honest, and open as she believed she was. That woman who is tremendously wounded and hurt and who, for years, was doing nothing but try to soothe and self-medicate in order to feel better, be more confident, and adapt to her surroundings.

I was surprised to discover this person. What surprised me most, however, was that I did not like her — I could hardly stand her. And that, for years, it was so difficult and exhausting being me every day.

What also surprised me is that slowly, with time, support, and by staying clean and sober, I came to love being alone and getting to know this new me — or rather, the old me, the one who was always here but was in the dark, covered by a bunch of layers.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your recovery journey?

My experience is that challenges vary with the recovery time. In the beginning, my biggest challenge was around organizing and setting up my life so it supported my recovery. Going out and being with people who didn’t change their drinking habits, finding new friends and community that supported my new lifestyle, being in places that would remind me of drinking and using, and overall functioning in this society where alcohol is so normalized and somehow those of us who don’t handle it well or simply decide not to drink are considered “sick” and abnormal — these are early recovery challenges for most people.

After a while, one of the biggest challenges was feeling my feelings and accepting them as something natural and “normal,” and not as something I necessarily have to fix, solve, change, or run away and distract from. Being comfortable in my own skin, getting to know myself, and, more importantly, accepting myself completely was challenging.

These days, a few things still remain a challenge. This includes intimacy — being intimate with others, especially romantic and sexual partners. Since this is a product of an early childhood trauma, it takes time to heal and work with it. I am still learning and evolving, but I am hopeful. I see things more clearly, I am changing, and I know that this doesn’t define me.

What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?

Oh, the benefits are endless. My life became so much larger and more colorful in sobriety. The most immediate benefits came from the obvious changes, such as having more time to do things that I love; saving money by not going out so much, drinking, or getting drugs; and having so much more energy, along with sleeping better and feeling healthier, lighter, and more attuned with my body and its rhythms.

The next place where I noticed a significant, positive change was my spiritual practice. I started studying Buddhism and meditating long before I got sober. And although this brought such wonders and joy to my life, I was not able to practice and commit fully, as I was still engaging in using mind-altering substances as well as getting myself intertwined in a variety of sexual misconducts and codependent dynamics. As soon as I got sober, my spiritual practice rose up — it skyrocketed. I was finally able to see things clearly.

What happened on a deeper level and a bit later was the desire to live fully and to feel everything — including aches and pains, but also joy and contentment — without any additional substances, to get to know myself and become whole, to find my own path in the midst of everyone else’s, and to experience this life that I have with all it has to offer. This process of evolving and individuating is still going on for me, and I am sure it will continue for a while.

What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?

First of all, congratulations on such a big decision! This is not a small step to take, the road ahead of you is bumpy, and it takes courage and effort. And, at the same time, it is absolutely worth it.

Considering your new lifestyle and basing everything else in your life around it is the key — not the other way around. This might mean changing many things in your life, such as who you spend time with, what you do in your free time, and what you put your energy into.

Recovery is the priority, and this means YOU are the priority. Everything else grows and blossoms from you, and you can only be yourself if you are not running away from yourself and your feelings and emotions. As difficult as this may sound, you need to start doing you — and only you — if you want to have healthy and growing relationships in your life.

Consider new people and communities in your life that would support your decision. This could be any recovery community — whichever works for you. It is YOUR path, and you choose who you will share it with. But remember, you need other people and you don’t have to do this on your own. So, choose wisely.

Want to share your sobriety story?

Thank you for sharing, Marina! We look forward to connecting with you in the comments.

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